As I write this,I keep thinking to myself,"What the hell am I doing with my life"?I'm currently 27,unemployed,living with my folks,with no insurance,haven't finalized the divorce and gotten my stuff back.How am I still alive?Why do I always let myself be lazy and unfocused?Where did my courage and strength go?My mind racing with thoughts from the both sides of my psyche.
Symmetry,(dressed as an angelic mime),giving me hope,joy,and reason to live,telling me only I can do something with my life,something that has meaning and purpose.Serenity,honesty,love,and gratitude having an insightful conversation to broadcast order in my mind.Logic and reason keeping it altogether.
Anomaly,(dressed as Mr.Rogers in a devil suit),showing me the darkness that resides inside me,deception coursing through my veins.Rage not just bottled up in my mind,but locked in a padded room scratching at the walls,spreading its anguish through the cracks throughout my body.A plague of bedlam,anger becoming sorrow becoming fear becoming hatred becoming pain and never stopping.
So far,all I've done is try to apply for Covered California and be rejected,go out to a shopping mall to look at things I can't afford,read graphic novels(right now The Sandman from Vertigo)to enlighten my soul,go to a cafe to play board games with strangers,and lay around the house in the backroom sleeping or watching TV or fondling with my phone.Not making any effort to get my act together yet still exist in a world of magical denial and tangible evil to fill in a void of confusion.
I had to get that out of my system.I don't expect anyone to reply back.Just posting this helps relieve the agony.